An updated handout of key takeaways and resources based on Dr. Shannan Palma’s 2023 webinar on bodies, sex, and gender
Resource CC BY-NC Independence Through Interdependence 2025 | Image CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 The Gender Spectrum Collection
Big Picture: How We [Autistic People] Think Differently
Neurotypical people usually think general-to-specific:
- Start with a big idea
- Fit everything into that idea
- If something doesn’t fit, it’s “wrong”
Autistic people usually think specific-to-general:
- Start with observations and experiences
- Build ideas from what we actually see
- If the big idea doesn’t fit the data, the idea needs to change
Why this matters: Most sex education uses neurotypical thinking patterns, which can be very confusing for autistic people.
The Most Important Thing to Remember
“People are different from each other”
– Eve Sedgwick, gender studies researcher
This simple sentence can replace years of confusing rules about how bodies, gender, and sexuality “should” work.
Bodies: The Real Story
What we were taught (wrong):
- Bodies come in two types: male and female
- If your body doesn’t fit, it’s “broken”
What’s actually true:
- All human bodies start with the same parts during pregnancy
- Around 6 weeks, hormones arrange these parts differently
- Bodies exist on a spectrum with lots of natural variation
- Healthy = not in pain or prone to infection (source: Emily Nagoski, Come as You Are)
Examples of natural body diversity:
- Anne Fausto-Sterling’s research shows there are actually five sexes, not two
- One example of diversity is congenital adrenal hyperplasia: external male genitalia, XX chromosomes, internal female organs, may be fertile
Key takeaway:
Bodies have more variation than binary concepts can capture. Your body works the way it works, and that’s right and natural.
Gender: More Than Two Boxes
What we learned:
- Gender is biological and fixed
- There are only two genders
Reality:
- Gender is a social construction tied to power and culture
- Different cultures throughout history have had different gender systems
- Indigenous peoples often recognized multiple genders
- Your gender identity is valid regardless of your body parts
Sexuality: It’s About More Than Reproduction
Traditional sex ed focuses on:
- Don’t get pregnant
- Don’t get diseases
- Penis goes in vagina
What this misses:
- Sexuality is a sensory experience
- Anything related to queer sexuality
- Anything related to pleasure and desire
- The huge variety of reasons why people actually have sex
For autistic people especially:
- Sexuality is filtered through sensory processing
- Environmental factors matter: lighting, sounds, textures
- Your nervous system regulation affects desire and arousal
- You might need specific conditions to feel interested or comfortable
🌱 Autistic Bodies as Ecosystems
Think of your body like a garden ecosystem:
- Flowers need the right balance of sun, water, soil
- Too much or too little of anything affects how they thrive
- Your sexuality works the same way
Your sexual interest might depend on:
- How loud or quiet your environment is
- Lighting levels
- How regulated your nervous system feels
- Whether you’re tired or energized
- What happened earlier in your day
This is completely normal and valid.
❌ What’s Wrong With You: NOTHING
If traditional sex ed feels confusing or alienating:
- There is nothing wrong with you
- The education doesn’t reflect reality
- You’re not broken if you don’t fit the standard story
Remember:
- All autistic people are different from each other
- Your specific needs and experiences are valid
- You get to figure out what works for YOUR body and YOUR life
🔬 Research Notes
- Neurodivergent sexuality research is extremely limited
- Current sex education doesn’t work for neurodivergent people
- More research needed on autistic sexuality and communication
Current gaps in research:
- Very few studies on autistic sexuality (can’t say this enough!)
- Most research not conducted in ways that feel good for autistic participants
- Need for evidence-based approaches to help neurodivergent-neurotypical couples communicate
💡 Bottom Line
The problem isn’t with you – it’s with how we’re taught to think about bodies, gender, and sexuality. When you remember that people are different from each other, you can start from a place that honors your actual experience instead of trying to force yourself into boxes that don’t fit.
Resources for Understanding Your Sexuality
Come As You Are: Revised and Updated by Emily Nagoski
What it’s about: A groundbreaking, science-based guide that revolutionizes how we understand sexuality. Originally published as a New York Times bestseller, the 2021 revised edition includes new research on mindfulness, desire, and pleasure.
Core revolutionary message: The most important factor in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life is not what body parts you have or how they’re organized, but how you feel about them.
Key scientific concepts:
- Homology: All human bodies have the same basic parts, just arranged differently (like daffodils in a field – same parts, different arrangements)
- Dual-control model of sexuality: Sexual response involves both “accelerators” (things that turn you on) and “brakes” (things that turn you off)
- Individual variation is normal: There’s no universal “right” way for bodies to respond sexually
Why it’s especially relevant for neurodivergent people:
- Validates that different doesn’t mean broken
- Emphasizes individual variation rather than universal norms
- Shows how environmental factors (stress, sensory input, etc.) impact sexual response
- Provides scientific backing for “people are different from each other”
Key takeaway: You don’t need to fix yourself or fit a standard template – understanding and accepting your unique sexual response is the path to fulfillment.
Best for: Anyone who has ever felt “broken” or different sexually; people seeking science-based understanding of sexuality; those wanting to move beyond cultural myths about how sex “should” work.
S.E.X. Second Edition by Heather Corinna
What it’s about: A comprehensive sexuality guide that addresses diverse experiences and identities, created by the founder of Scarleteen.
Why it’s useful:
- Covers topics often missing from traditional sex education
- Includes LGBTQ+ experiences and non-traditional relationships
- Uses inclusive language that doesn’t assume everyone is the same
- Addresses consent and communication skills
Best for: People who need sexuality information that goes beyond “don’t get pregnant, don’t get diseases” and includes real-world diversity.
- The Kissing Quotient (2018)
- The Bride Test (2019)
- The Heart Principle (2021)
What they’re about: Romance novels featuring autistic main characters navigating love, relationships, and sexuality.
Why they’re valuable:
- Shows autistic people as complex, desirable characters (not stereotypes)
- Explores how sensory processing affects sexual experiences
- Demonstrates autistic people having fulfilling intimate relationships
- Addresses real challenges (like sensory issues) without treating autism as something to “fix”
Representation: Features autistic women as main characters, written by an author who is herself autistic. Best for: Anyone who wants to see positive representation of autistic people in romantic/sexual relationships.
Emily Nagoski, PhD
Background: Autistic sex educator and researcher, author of “Come As You Are.”
Expertise:
- Neurodivergent sexuality research
- Body-based approaches to sexual health
- Dual-control model of sexual response
Key message: “When you’ve met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person – everyone is really different.” Emphasizes need for individualized understanding of autistic sexuality.
Shannan Palma, PhD
Background: AuDHD PhD in Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies
Expertise:
- Why traditional sex education fails autistic people
- Specific-to-general vs. general-to-specific neural processing
- “Everything You Were Taught About Sex is Wrong” workshop series
Key message: Most sex education uses neurotypical thinking patterns that don’t match autistic experiences. Focus on individual differences rather than universal rules.
Organization: Co-Executive Director of Independence Through Interdependence
AJ Locashio, M.Ed.
Background: Certified Clinical Sexologist, Sex Coach, and Sensory Environment Strategist; autistic, ADHD, CPTSD, queer, genderqueer military spouse and mom; also known as “Mama Pistachio.”
Credentials:
- Master in Education (Wichita State University)
- Certified Clinical Sexologist (American Board of Sexology)
- Certified Sex Coach™ (Sex Coach U)
- Professional Teaching License with ESOL and Special Education specializations
Areas of Expertise:
- Sensory Processing and sexuality
- Sex and sexuality education
- Gender and identity issues
- Relationships and communication
- Intimacy and nervous system regulation
- Stress response cycle and somatic awareness
Services: 1-on-1 coaching for neurodivergent and queer individuals, mentorship for sexuality professionals, consulting for organizations to create inclusive, sex-positive, neurodivergent-allied work environments.
Organizations: Founding member of Umbrella Alliance; member of Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, American Board of Sexology, World Association for Sexual Health.
Key approach: Uses an intersectional lens to advocate for neurodivergent and queer health, emphasizing that nervous system regulation is central to all human experiences.
Rachel Anne Kiernan, Psy.D.
Background: Neurodivergent licensed psychologist in Georgia with almost 20 years of clinical experience; Founder & Owner of StorieBrook Therapy & Consulting, LLC.
Education:
- Doctorate of Clinical Psychology (University of Denver)
- Master’s in Clinical Psychology (University of Denver)
- Bachelor’s degrees in History and Psychology (Jacksonville University)
Clinical Experience:
- Private practice since 2007
- Former staff at Georgia State University and Regis University
- Adjunct Professor in Psychological Science (Kennesaw State University)
- Past President of Georgia Psychological Association (2020-21)
Specializations:
- LGBTQIQ-affirmative therapy
- Sex-positive counseling
- Polyamory-friendly therapy
- Kink-knowledgeable practice
- Sexual, gender, and relational diversity
- Transgender issues and queer theory
- BDSM and alternative sexualities
- Non-monogamy support
Approach: Emphasizes the importance of multiple identities in clients’ lives; provides continuing education workshops for other mental health professionals on sexual, gender, and relational diversity topics.
What it is: A social platform that shares real-world sexual experiences, curated by humans rather than algorithms.
How it works:
- Real people share actual intimate experiences
- Human moderators ensure content is genuine and consensual
- Developing “MLNP Academy” to curate sex education resources
Why it’s valuable:
- Shows what real sex actually looks like (not like porn)
- Diverse representation of bodies and experiences
- Focus on authentic pleasure and communication
Best for: People who want to see realistic examples of intimacy and sexuality.
What it is: A progressive, inclusive sexuality and relationships education, information and support organization and digital clearinghouse. Founded by Heather Corinna (author of S.E.X.).
What makes it unique: “There hasn’t ever been and still isn’t anything else online quite like it. We’re a unicorn!” – truly one-of-a-kind comprehensive sexuality resource.
What they provide:
- Progressive sexuality and relationships education
- Inclusive information that doesn’t assume everyone is the same
- Support for young people and adults navigating sexuality questions
- Digital clearinghouse of sexuality resources and information
Why it’s valuable:
- Goes far beyond traditional “don’t get pregnant, don’t get diseases” sex education
- Inclusive of all sexual orientations, gender identities, and relationship styles
- Provides support, not just information
- Progressive approach that challenges traditional sexuality myths
- Founded and led by people committed to comprehensive, real-world sexuality education
Best for: Anyone seeking comprehensive, inclusive sexuality information that goes beyond mainstream sex education; people looking for support and community around sexuality questions.
Jackson-Perry 2023 Thesis: “Exploring Autistic Accounts of Sexuality, Intimacy, and Authenticity”
What it covers: In-depth research study interviewing autistic adults about their sexual and intimate experiences.
Key findings:
- Traditional sex education often unhelpful or harmful for autistic people
- Autistic people value authenticity and direct communication in relationships
- Sensory differences significantly impact sexual experiences
- Many participants found better intimate relationships with other autistic people
Why it matters: One of the few research studies that actually asks autistic people about their own experiences instead of making assumptions.
“Neurodivergence is absent in sex education. That’s a problem” – Emily Nagoski (Big Think)
Key points:
- Current sex education uses a “one-size-fits-all” approach that doesn’t work
- Autistic people may be over-represented in kink communities (possibly due to explicit rules and communication)
- Need for evidence-based approaches to help neurodivergent-neurotypical couples communicate
- Very little research exists on autistic sexuality
Quote: “We need research to help folks on the spectrum be able to identify what their preferred sensations are and what their limits are – and be able to love those as being just as valid and valuable as a neurotypical person’s experience.”